In 1986, the woman I was with broke up with me and it started me on a downward spiral into the pit. By the summer of 1988, I was almost in the pit of despair. As the saying goes, I didn’t know if I was “on foot or horse-back”. I could not find relationships that made me happy, that met my needs. I almost had an affair with a man while I was having a physical relationship with a woman who I really did not like very much. I had a huge void deep inside that needed to be filled! I was back living the double life (as I had in the years before I began living my 15 year lesbian lifestyle). I had no peace in my life. Simply put, I was a mess. But this turned out to be a very good thing because God finally had me in a place where He could work in my life.
A young woman shared the gospel with me, and the love of Jesus changed my life. My new life started when I received Jesus into my life (John 1: 12) and consciously repented of my sin. And this is the important thing I want you to understand in this post. From the very beginning, the true motivation for me to walk by the power of the Spirit, and not by the desires of my fleshly feelings and attractions, has been God’s love for me. I understood He loved me when I was doing my own thing. I was so grateful and felt I was forgiven much. His love was manifested by His death on the cross for me, personally!
His personal love for me made a huge difference in my life. Right from the very beginning, it was my desire to worship Him and live my life for Him. This kind of love I could not find in any homosexual relationship, nor in any earthly relationship, period! No other relationship could heal my soul. No other relationship could give me the deep inner-peace I received when I was born again. Even with the same-sex feelings and attractions hanging around for a few years, and the need for God to heal me of my tendency toward emotional dependence on another person, I wanted and needed Jesus more than my old life! It was immediately the desire of my heart to flee the old lyfestyle and like Mary Magdalene pursue following Jesus! Have I walked a perfect walk with Jesus the past 20 years. Absolutely not… but love has always been the motivation to get back on track.
Is God truly personal to you? If you have never accepted the love of Calvary into your heart, He cannot be personal to you. Only when we, sinful men and women, personally receieve the love of God poured down at Calvary can we say… it was for me!
(Much of this post is from my book, Love Flowed Down… it was for me. Pages 24-25, 59-60.)